Cooking With Hidan
by mototsumitama
Summary: What happens when Hidan goes in search of some lube? Rated M for sexual themes and Hidan's lovely language.


It was hot.

The summer heat and humidity made everything feel heavy and slow, like it was holding everything down with an overbearing weight of uncomfortable.

This compelled Hidan to do nothing but lay on his bed with the lights off, butt naked and sweaty with the fan and air conditioning blow and whir into his face.

He fell asleep.

And there he slept.

And slept.

And slept…

Until the sound of an opening door filled his ears and coaxed him out of his dreamless sleep. He was much colder now that he had the AC blasting at him for several hours. He blinked furiously several times and found that his eyes still refused to let him see clearly. They were dry and they hurt from lack of hydration. He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes and finally squinted to see Kakuzu staring back at him.

"What the--" Hidan mumbled, and squinted his eyes in the direction of the clock. 11:47 PM. He returned his attention back to Kakuzu. "You're seriously fucking late."

"I got out late." Kakuzu mumbled as he unbuttoned his shirt and proceeded to pull it off in an effort to stay cool in the humidly damp house.

"Buuullshit." Hidan mumbled lazily as he flopped back down on the bed. Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "You didn't even leave the bed since this morning, did you? Did you seriously sleep all day long?" He asked with a hint of disbelief.

"I left the bed," Hidan weakly argued, closing his eyes. "I got up to turn on the AC this morning." Kakuzu shook his head in disbelief and sighed in amusement. "But now I'm fucking cold," He whined. Kakuzu continued to remove the rest of his clothing and changed into a fresh pair of boxers, and joined Hidan on their bed. "Well duh. You've been naked in front of the air conditioner all day long," He said as he lay down next to him on his side, facing the silver-haired man.

"Turn it off," Hidan commanded. "But I'm still hot." Kakuzu stated.

Opening his eyes to gaze at Kakuzu, he said "Pretty please, oh please with sugar on top will you turn off the air conditioning you sexy, sexy man?" Kakuzu stared back, with his head propped up by his arm. "No. It's right next to you,"

Hidan rolled over to face Kakuzu. "I can't reach it."

Kakuzu knew he was lying, but he sighed and half crawled over Hidan's body to reach the controls and switched off the cooling contraption as Hidan rolled onto his back again, staring at him. He was on his way to returning to his original position when Hidan stopped him by grabbing his face and pulling it into a sudden kiss.

It was a wet kiss; Hidan being tired from just waking up didn't put too much energy into making the kiss a neat one. Hidan licked Kakuzu's lips as his mind registered the sudden attack and then opened his mouth, forcing his tongue into Hidan's. Kakuzu adjusted his position to straddle Hidan's hips as his hands went to roaming the Jashinist's sides; feeling him up. Kakuzu relished the cool feel of Hidan's skin on his overheated body as Hidan drank up the feel of Kakuzu's warm touch.

Their tongues and saliva mixed, each tongue savoring the other's flavor. They broke occasionally to breathe, only to come together again. Kakuzu could feel both his own and Hidan's erection beginning to become apparent through his boxers. They were both vaguely aware of the barely noticeable hip-grinding motions Kakuzu began giving him; Hidan's fingers tangled in Kakuzu's hair, Kakuzu's hands at Hidan's back, forcing him to arch into him.

Hidan suddenly flipped their positions by rolling over so that he was on top of Kakuzu, straddling the larger man now. He broke the kiss and determined to get Kakuzu naked; he slipped off his fresh pair of boxers only to throw them to the bedroom floor.

Kakuzu stifled a snicker and mumbled, "Awfully forward, aren't you. Still cold?"

Hidan went back to kissing him and said, "Shut up," into his lips as he moved his hands up Kakuzu's stitched chest.

"Hidan,"

"I told you to shut up."

"Hidan. How many times do I have to tell you that we ran out of lube last week?"

Hidan paused but didn't move his lips from Kakuzu's. "…Oh yeah…that must be why my ass still hurts from last night," he mumbled into Kakuzu's mouth. He rolled his eyes and made Hidan look at him by holding his face. "Then stop before we make it worse."

"But _Kakuzu_, I'm fucking hungry…" He whined as he suddenly sat up and started bouncing on Kakuzu's stomach, causing the bed to shake, much to the older man's annoyance. "And I want it all the way, not a shitty blow or something…"

"The fuck are you doing," He half mumbled, half growled in a questioning tone. "Are you trying to tell me you want to fuck dry again, you masochistic demon?" He said with his words oddly toned due to the bouncing that caused an irregular exhaling pattern.

"No, bitch…" He whined as he stopped bouncing.

"…Saliva??" Hidan glared down at Kakuzu, eyes still tired and squinting. "Hell no." Kakuzu sighed on the inside. It's certainly cheaper than running out to buy lube in the middle of the night while trying to hide an erection. Kakuzu winced at that thought.

"Then go find something," Kakuzu said forcefully as he pushed Hidan off of himself, his arms and legs clumsily flailing. Hidan rolled off of the bed a lot faster than Kakuzu thought he would and slammed to the floor with a loud thud. Not expecting the attack, Hidan didn't realize what happened until the nerves in his shoulder and head screamed in pain.

"MOTHERFUCKING…" He half shouted, half hissed as he sat up and rubbed the spots that were in pain.

Kakuzu looked over the edge of the bed. "Whoops." He smirked at the sight of a naked Hidan with gel-free bed hair sitting on the floor. Hidan didn't notice.

"Why do I have to find something…" He mumbled as he stood up and walked out.

"Just do it," Kakuzu growled back from the bed, shifting to lie on his back again.

"Lazy old bastard," He said under his breath as he left the room, heading for the bathroom first.

"I heard that."

He didn't really know what he was looking for, but he searched anyway. He opened the cabinets, hoping to find an over-looked bottle of lube. No luck. He looked for other substitutes that could possibly work. He only found weird medicine and dental health products. He grimaced at the thought of using fluoride mouthwash. _Ew…ow._

Deciding that the bathroom wouldn't help, he moved onto other rooms on the second floor; the office, the guest room, the game room. He didn't find much besides glue and other useless liquids. He didn't think glue would help much, so he proceeded down the stairs to the first floor.

He went to the kitchen first. He wasn't sure if it would be a smart idea to search the refrigerator. So he went to the cupboards first. He tried picturing what liquids could possibly work. He winced at the sight of a hot sauce bottle, and almost died laughing at the thought of using baking soda and vinegar. He didn't know what to think when he spotted the jelly.

Hidan then began to think of what he needed to look for. He scanned labels, looking for a slippery, oily substance…_that's it!_ He thought to himself. _Oil is a lubricant…_

He dug out bottles and boxes of many sizes until he came across what he was looking for. He found two bottles of two different oils. He didn't know what one of them was, so he chose the one that he recognized.

He came back to the bedroom a good seven minutes after he left the room. He found Kakuzu lying on his back with his eyes closed and his hands behind his head.

He climbed onto the bed and straddled Kakuzu again, holding the bottle by the neck so that it hovered over his lover's face. Kakuzu was awake and aware of his presence but didn't move.

"Will this work?" He asked; a sincere question.

Kakuzu's eyes opened slowly and focused on a glass bottle that hung dangerously over his face. He read the label at an eye-crossing perspective, but could read it nonetheless.

His gaze went from the bottle to look at the expectant yet sleepy eyes of Hidan.

Kakuzu burst out laughing.

Hidan, caught off guard by the sudden out burst, remained sitting on Kakuzu's stomach with a bewildered look on his face, watching the miracle of pure laughter possessing the one he loved. He could feel the vibrations deep within the torso he sat on, awakening the area between his legs again.

"Hidan," He said; his laughter dieing down. "Did you even bother to recognize the irony of picking this bottle?"

Hidan looked at him in confusion. "…um?"

"You're shoving a bottle of E.V.O.O. in my face."

"A bottle of WHAT??"

"Extra. Virgin. Olive. Oil."

Hidan's expression slowly transformed from surprised to amused.

"Then let's get cooking."

"……that was possibly one of _the corniest things I've ever heard you say._"

"Oh, shut up. It won't be so _virgin_ once I'm done with you."

End


End file.
